Home - Attachment Styles

There are four ways that human beings attach though there are also combinations of these attachments with specific reactions and behaviors. We are connected securely, anxiously, avoidantly, or disorganized in how we attach. 

Securely Attached individuals experienced caregivers who were attuned and responsive to their needs. They could effectively internalize and mirror this safe and secure connection code in their relationships. They can keep conflict from escalating, are mentally flexible, effective communicators, and do not play games or get caught up in workplace dramas. They are consistent, dependable, a coach and support to distressed people, and skilled problem solvers. They are harmonious and not threatened by criticism or correction. They will embrace the opportunity to grow.

Avoidantly Attached individuals typically have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable and unresponsive. Their needs were disregarded, especially when in a vulnerable state. They were forced into early independence and became responsible at a young age. They learned that emotions are weaknesses and that it is safer to suppress and disconnect emotionally. Avoidants are preoccupied with their attachment codes – they are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, which never relieves their self-doubt. Deep-seated feelings of rejection make them worried and untrusting. This lack of trust makes it difficult to attach to others, and their need for autonomy and self-reliance often communicates to others that they are not needed and do not come close. Their fear of inadequacy will not allow them to show weakness, and those around them can often interpret that they are complex, uncaring, have high expectations, and are not interested in being a team player. Though highly efficient and performance-oriented, they can often appear aggressive and demonstrate distancing behavior. If confronted or corrected, an avoidant will shut down and withdraw and withhold or become aggressive and project blame on others. They deactivate and disengage relationally. This withdrawal poses a significant challenge when completing a project or meeting a deadline.

Anxiously Attached Individuals have experienced inconsistent care and mixed messaging. Caregivers were either overindulgent or very neglectful. The lack of predictable care and attunement becomes the baseline for a fearful way of connecting with others. Individuals who are anxiously attached exist in a state of being suspicious and distrustful while at the same time acting clingy and desperate. They are hypervigilant about whether those they rely on are available or unavailable. They can present as being over-dependent and will be hurt and angry if they perceive any form of rejection. The slightest hint that something is wrong will trigger the anxious person’s attachment system. This triggering hijacks the brain, and the only focus of an anxious person is to re-establish contact – this can be irritating and exhausting on relationships with their need for constant assurance. The lack of insight or understanding of someone with an anxious code can drain the energy in a team and consume leadership vigor.

However, by a simple act of “reconnecting,” you can decode an anxiously attached individual, restore calm and support this person in resuming work without being plagued by thoughts of being disconnected. When corrected, an anxiously attached person will scan their brain for how many times they have been corrected, how many times they have displeased their boss, how many times a team member has criticized them and will work to overcompensate and do more to try and show that they are deserving and are worthy. Their desire to please often takes them down rabbit holes, and their work lacks efficiency – they are busy but unproductive. It becomes expedient to exclude such individuals from projects that require an eye for detail and well-timed delivery– yet this exclusion becomes the point of disconnect most feared by the anxiously attached person and triggers a systems failure. Complaining, criticism, enlisting other anxious warriors for their cause, silence, anger, and frustration becomes how the anxiously coded person “protests” the disconnect. Unfortunately, the pain of this person is frequently experienced by leaders and teams to be troublesome and distracting. The disconnect and avoidance of this person grows and can end in termination or toleration at best. Team disconnect is a lose-lose all around because many anxiously coded people are lost as assets because they have not been decoded/disarmed and accessed well.

Disorganized Attached Individuals witnessed and experienced deep trauma and neglect in their households. Their biological imperative to connect and belong is warped by their jarring childhood experiences, where their caregiver’s response to their distress further inflamed their fears and intensified a lack of safety. They crave connection but are frightened to respond to this attention. They exist in a world of anxiety, confusion, self-loathing, and doubt. Their preconditioning that relationships are threatening and unsafe becomes a barrier to their deep human need to connect and belong. They perceive rejection where it does not exist and end up alienating others as a defense strategy. This self-protection mechanism is often experienced as resistance to leadership and team connection and tends to fulfill their prophecy that they are not valued, wanted, or needed. Leaders and insecure or anxiously coded team members become discouraged in their attempts to connect with a person who has a disorganized attachment system, not realizing how terrifying and traumatizing it is for this person to be in a relationship. Sadly, capable disorganized team assets are lost because of a lack of education and understanding of simple strategies that could invite and stabilize such a person to remain connected and productive.